Experience in sex is not a degree: why you may have had many relationships and not be a good lover

As in the kitchen, in sex it is not the same to do the usual many times, than to learn and cultivate oneself to innovate.

It is true that experience is a degree. But perhaps we are taking too much for granted that, in terms of sex, the more you practice, the better you do it and the more you know, giving rise to what is one of the great myths of sexuality.

To begin with, because “having a lot of experience” is something relative. Yes, in a resume we can verify that this person has developed different functions and imagine what capacities he has been forced to develop. We can even check previous employers. When it comes to sex, having had many relationships does not always mean that person has learned and has been improving. Plus, it’s much harder to call your exes to check.

“The experience is very subjective”, the sexologist in Delhi Dr P K Gupta emphasizes this idea . “Perhaps a person has only had one partner, but he has experienced a lot. On the other hand, another has had many partners, but has been able to delve little into sexuality. Thus, every time she starts with someone new, she generates the same pattern and, since there is no trust, no one tells her that she does not like it and she continues to believe that she does everything well”, he exemplifies as one of the most common situations .

Lots of practice, but little theory

So why do we always tend to think that, in the art of sex, experience makes perfect? This myth is mainly based on two ideas. The first is that we continue to believe that quantity matters more than quality. However, nobody usually asks about the quality of relationships, but about how long they last and how many times they have a week. When perhaps that is not the most important fact.

The other idea to banish is that sex is only learned through practice. As if we didn’t need to know anything about theory. If we transfer this idea to the kitchen, there are those who think that everything is to put on, and who knows that, to cook really well, and not just muddle through, you have to have some clear ideas and have a couple of cookbooks on hand . Well, with sex, the same thing happens. We can always make the same dish, but to stand out, it is necessary to learn, innovate and strive to improve.

“Only the practical experience is very lame”, clarifies the best sexologist in Delhi about this idea. “That is why it is very important to read, talk, exchange opinions and experiences, listen, be receptive and have an open attitude to learning.”

In fact, one of the great problems of sexuality is that we go into practice, having learned very little theory. And what we have doesn’t always come from the most appropriate sources. Above all, in the absence of formal sex education. “Normally we go to the Internet, we continue to see an expert as a resource when faced with a problem, it is hard for us to think that they also serve to advise us, inform us and guide us in a personalized way when in doubt”, Dr P K Gupta points out.

However, another of the big mistakes is to go with our doubts to a friend with more experience or to the ‘fuckologist’ on duty, who tries to give us the keys based on his own experience in particular, without understanding that sex is a science and that many times, what works least is to generalize.

And then what makes a good lover?

Being clear that having a lot of experience does not necessarily make us better, if it has not been of quality, one might wonder what we can do to be much more competent lovers. “Experience usually helps, it’s true, but it’s just an extra”, clarifies Dr P K Gupta once again. “What would help us is to know the bodies, to know how sexuality works and, above all, to learn sexual skills, that is, to know the body of the other, to know how to empathize with their needs, to know how to talk about it naturally, etc. We should all train ourselves to know the physiology, the points of pleasure and learn to communicate, ”says the sexologist in Delhi as a recipe.

Another key idea is provided by Dr P K Gupta. “An important issue is interest, motivation.” In the end, wanting to be a good lover consists of making an effort to be one, and for that you have to be open to learning and improving, and not simply repeating the same recipe over and over again. “The greater your interest and your desire to learn, the easier it will be for you to deal pleasantly with different people.”

Finally, Dr Gupta concludes that there are things that can be learned through experience, but not in any way. “There are aspects to cultivate, for example, listening, curiosity, empathy, learning, humor, play. It is very important to be aware that what one person likes may not excite another and that each erotic experience is a new experience, whatever we have had. That is why it is so important to deepen your learning and your listening and not stick with the typical ‘tips’ that anyone can offer”.